The Long Haul

  My friend  and I talked about this journey of healing that we’ve both been on and she was curious if I was ready to love again. We talked about how we overcame our personal obstacles and what we are learning . I can be honest in saying of course I am ready to love and I truly know that it means now to be truly selfless. All this time alone gives you time to think about everything and I do mean everything. There is nothing you can do but learn from your past and move forward to what’s shaping your future. I am very self aware about everything and seeking wisdom healing to be better. It is important to be gracious when loving someone and true to your love and not take it for granted.
  I relate to losing a great relationship I had to one of those last runs that you see in old gangster films.  The last run always gets the Scarfaces, Frank Lucas, and anything that Ray Liota plays every single time. You get this so called rock n Roll excess to things and you take why you are doing the things you are doing for grantedIt’s a privilege to perform ,to have people relate to your calling, and to be able to grind it all out. I had walked away from a 10 year job and started a prestigious job and planning a future with a wonderful soul that I should’ve truly savored every moment with. My problem has always been I try to go all in and rush the process of learning what someone is about. I saw this beautiful woman and her children and thought to myself this is what I want and what I want to do. It takes time to develop a relationship and so often we sell ourselves like a shoddy car salesmen but the truth is when the salesmen is done and completed his sale, you may end up with a lemon and with that lemon comes disgruntled feelings and mistrust from the consumer.
 I was that used car salesman because I focused so much on being what someone desired that I didn’t  leave much room for me and when I couldn’t get the affection that I longed for I would allow others to fill that space. I was an addict for attention and I didn’t want to face that demon until time forced me to really look at myself. I am accountable for why I am where I am and I’m not proud of it at all. I was so fucking toxic and I had no hazmat suit
I personally am not proud of my doublemindedness and past indescretions with the opposite sex. If I focused on building a partnership and friendship instead of  being so consumed by who was serving me I’d be alot better off. My lust filled heart and trash antics are why I am where I am. I made a negative choice to leave a toxic door open thinking I could balance it with my budding potential future and it blew up in my face because God doesn’t bless a mess.
The hardest thing but the greatest thing I experienced was true love and the greatest lesson that I learned was from losing love. Hours of E&J and Al Green on my record player, constant flashbacks, pictures, and brainstorage chewing up my brain like a caterpillar but it was evidence of love that I chose to reject because of the spillage of unchecked toxic emotions.

  I had a woman a full fledge one of a kind classy woman who depended on me to be solid for her, who felt safe enough to be tender and vulnerable with me and in this day and age that is very fucking rare. I  used to search my brain and often wondered what it all mean? It means  WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!!!!
   It means let go of the fabricated stereotypical so-called relationship norms that we assume work like spending our time painting humans into our sometimes fractured selfish image instead of just loving them for who they are and truly building them up. It is important to find out what makes you whole and to be happy for you instead of pressuring others to make you happy. To be content and to be solid is the best way to be instead of the constant running on fumes addicted to people who feed the ego instead of feeding the soul.